She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
