Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Randomize
