I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
