Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
