I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
