Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize