Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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