You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
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