Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
