my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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