A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
