you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
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