mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
