DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
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