i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize