Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Randomize
