I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Randomize
