I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
