theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
