i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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