he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
my liver is dry heaving
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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