I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
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