i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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