This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
