you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
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