I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Randomize
