I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
