Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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