I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
