call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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