I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
