Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
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