I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize
