porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Randomize
