I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Randomize
