She said her name was "party"
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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