Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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