every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Randomize
