I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
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