i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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