I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
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