i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Randomize
