he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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