I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
