my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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