my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
there is puke in my bra ... again
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