The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
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