hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
