Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
