Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
