The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Randomize
