I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
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