I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
