She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
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