I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
