I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
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