i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Randomize
