Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
